Fun to say

My doctor said I have onomatopoeia.
I asked, “What’s that?”

He replied, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

Take your time

I came home to discover that the clock by my bed has been taken. I should be alarmed, but I’m not.

Short story

Me checking in at the Dr.: “I’m shrinking”

Nurse’s reply: “You’ll just have to be a little patient. The Dr will see you shortly.”


I hear they’re making a movie called “Constipation”.
It hasn’t come out yet.

Don’t forget to wipe

My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week.
You know.
Roll reversal.

Just scratch the surface

The Ancient Romans had four types of poison.
Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact…
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy…


At the bar last night, this woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts…


I’ve always found. broken drum to be the perfect Christmas present.

You just can’t beat it.

What gets you there

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Now everyone has cars, and only the rich have horses.

The stables have turned.


There was a lady who had twins, Juan and Amal. But she only ever kept a picture of one of them in her wallet….

…becuase if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.