The Lowest Forum

My doctor said I have onomatopoeia.
I asked, “What’s that?”

He replied, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Fact: a human fart is louder than a trombone.
(learned that during the Spring concert).

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant, if it floats its buoyant 👊

How do you spot the blind guy at the nude beach?

It’s not hard.

I met a Genie who gave me one wish .
I said “I wish I was you”
The Genue said “Weurd Wush but U wull grant ut .”

I bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.
I know it’s an authentic Van Gogh because there’s a bit of veneer missing.

I came home to discover that the clock by my bed has been taken. I should be alarmed, but I’m not.

Aperitif.

French for a set of dentures.

Me checking in at the Dr.: “I’m shrinking”

Nurse’s reply: “You’ll just have to be a little patient. The Dr will see you shortly.”

I hear they’re making a movie called “Constipation”.
It hasn’t come out yet.

This is a long shot, but do you know what a Trebuchet is?

What did one tectonic plate say after bumping into another tectonic plate?

“Sorry. My Fault.”

My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week.
You know.
Roll reversal.

Genie: What’s your first wish?

Graham: I want you to make me rich.

Genie: Granted! What’s your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money this time.

The Ancient Romans had four types of poison.
Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact…
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy…

Invested my money in Henry Winkler Inc and lost it all.
It was a Fonzie Scheme.

I’m developing a mind controlled air freshener.

It makes scents when you think about it.

English is difficult.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though

At the bar last night, this woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts…

I’d be a professional origamist…

…but i can’t stand all the paperwork.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage.

Sign said, “Bread in captivity.”

Santa only carries pennies, dimes and quarters.

He’s Nicholas.

I’ve always found. broken drum to be the perfect Christmas present.

You just can’t beat it.

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Now everyone has cars, and only the rich have horses.

The stables have turned.

There was a lady who had twins, Juan and Amal. But she only ever kept a picture of one of them in her wallet….

…becuase if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.