Say it out loud
Fun to say
My doctor said I have onomatopoeia.
I asked, “What’s that?”
He replied, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”
Breakfast
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Get off my back
I was in the band
Fact: a human fart is louder than a trombone.
(learned that during the Spring concert).
I do realize this is a Dad Joke
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks it’s a girl ant, if it floats its buoyant 👊
He measured up
bee my valentine
Cream of the…
Naked truth
How do you spot the blind guy at the nude beach?
It’s not hard.
Kinda fusilli…
Not sure why it’s Star Trek
Careful what U wish for
I met a Genie who gave me one wish .
I said “I wish I was you”
The Genue said “Weurd Wush but U wull grant ut .”
Say it out loud quickly
I bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.
I know it’s an authentic Van Gogh because there’s a bit of veneer missing.
I wheely love this one
Take your time
I came home to discover that the clock by my bed has been taken. I should be alarmed, but I’m not.
Sound it out
Aperitif.
French for a set of dentures.
Short story
Me checking in at the Dr.: “I’m shrinking”
Nurse’s reply: “You’ll just have to be a little patient. The Dr will see you shortly.”
Tattwo
Word a Day
Ben!
Timely
Stuck
I hear they’re making a movie called “Constipation”.
It hasn’t come out yet.
Scaramush
Yeeesh
I love this one
Personal question?
It’s code in here
You might need to read this more than once
This is a long shot, but do you know what a Trebuchet is?
I Cracked Up
What did one tectonic plate say after bumping into another tectonic plate?
“Sorry. My Fault.”
Picture is kind of grainy
Don’t forget to wipe
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week.
You know.
Roll reversal.
Careful what you wish for
Genie: What’s your first wish?
Graham: I want you to make me rich.
Genie: Granted! What’s your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money this time.
Because typography is funny
Weight, there’s more…
Just scratch the surface
The Ancient Romans had four types of poison.
Poisons I, II, and III instantly killed the victim upon contact…
Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy…
Get Richie Quick
Invested my money in Henry Winkler Inc and lost it all.
It was a Fonzie Scheme.
This one stinks
I’m developing a mind controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it.
My mom thought I was hilarious
It came to a head?
Rough Stuff
English is difficult.
It can be understood through tough thorough thought though
Out of this world
More than one way to skin a cat?
Ouch…
At the bar last night, this woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.
On a related note, I suck at darts…
I’m going to fold
I’d be a professional origamist…
…but i can’t stand all the paperwork.
Don’t feed the animals
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage.
Sign said, “Bread in captivity.”
Change is coming
Santa only carries pennies, dimes and quarters.
He’s Nicholas.
Ba-dum-bum
I’ve always found. broken drum to be the perfect Christmas present.
You just can’t beat it.
Foreign humor?
What gets you there
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Now everyone has cars, and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.
Toasts
Just read it
Geome-tree
Abonimable
Meh
This one will repeat on you…
Sorry for the sad post
Math Problem
That’s what I’m talking about
Twins
There was a lady who had twins, Juan and Amal. But she only ever kept a picture of one of them in her wallet….
…becuase if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.